How To Win Friends And Influence People - Dale Carnegie

Book Summary: How To Win Friends and Influence People

How to win friends and influence people was first published in 1936 by Dale Carnegie. He wrote the book while teaching classes on public speaking. During his workshops, he discovered that many of his students lacked fundamental skills in dealing with other people and when he found there were no books that filled that gap, he wrote one.

Personally, I keep a list of a couple of books that I like to revisit every year and this is one. It has sold more than 15 million copies and in my opinion, is a must read for everyone.

Zen Mind, Beginners Mind – Shunryu Suzuki – Book Summary

Quotes:

Criticisms are like homing pigeons, they always return home.

A persons name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

There is only one way to get the best of an argument and that is to avoid it.

To be interesting, be interested.

How To Win Friends and Influence People Book Summary Notes:

At the very beginning of Dale Carnegie’s book he offers some valuable insight into the best method for developing great notes from his book, I believe that they can be more widely applied and have included a few of them below:

Develop a deep, driving desire to master the principles of human relations.
Read each chapter twice before going on to the next one.
As you read, stop frequently to ask yourself how you can apply each suggestion.
Underscore each important idea.
Review this book each month.
Apply these principles at every opportunity.
Keep notes in the back of this book showing how and when you have applied these principles.

While most of these are common sense, it can be helpful to develop a way of breaking down books like these to make the contents more valuable for ourselves. Dale Carnegie has given us a pretty solid starting point that has clearly lasted the test of time.

Don’t Criticise or Complain

Chapter one focuses on criticizing and complaining, specifically why you should avoid it at all costs. There are a ton of great stories and parables that help to illustrate the points but it essentially boils down to the core ideas that people become defensive when criticized and that we ourselves are not error-free. Often if we were to be in a similar situation as the person in question it is highly likely we would have made similar errors, not deliberately or maliciously but simply because humans make mistakes.

Highlighted Chapter Notes:

PRINCIPLE 1 Don’t criticise, condemn or complain.
John Wanamaker, founder of the American stores that bear his name, once confessed: ‘I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.’
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
By criticising, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
Let’s realise that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.
Let’s realise that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return;
Lincoln replied: ‘Don’t criticise them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.’
‘Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbour’s roof,’ said Confucious, ‘when your own doorstep is unclean.’
‘I will speak ill of no man,’ he said, ‘. . . and speak all the good I know of everybody.’
Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
‘A great man shows his greatness,’ said Carlyle, ‘by the way he treats little men.’
As Dr. Johnson said: ‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.’ Why should you and I?

Honest and Sincere Appreciation

Now that we’ve looked at what not to do, let us examine what we should do instead. The first chapter covered the core concept of stop criticizing other people, instead what chapter two tells us to focus on is our praise and appreciation for those around us. There’s a powerful line which states that “nothing kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors” and at least in my own experience it is 100% correct. We so rarely these days have anyone stop us to tell us something positive, I’d be willing to wager that this is most likely correct for you as well. When was the last time you experienced genuine appreciation?

While we can’t necessarily force others to give it to us, what we can control is how much of it we put out into the world ourselves. Take the time to appreciate someone and be genuine about it.

Highlighted Chapter Notes:

PRINCIPLE 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.
‘There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticise anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.’
When a study was made a few years ago on runaway wives, what do you think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It was ‘lack of appreciation.’
We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.
Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Emerson said: ‘Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.’

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